It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
