Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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