I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
He told me they were just razor bumps!
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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