I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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