He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
