I have demons in me.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
