you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize