Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Randomize
