first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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