i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
