based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
