I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
