And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
