I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
