Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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