party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
