Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
