I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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