I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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