Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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