I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize