I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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