Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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