there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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