i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
