I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
