why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
