last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
