Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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