So drunk its hurt
im six kinds of drunk right now
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Randomize
