Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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