Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
This is the prime rib incident all over again
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Randomize
