god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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