he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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