my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
