I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
