I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize