what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize