well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
