Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
