just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
zippers are such a cool invention
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
We were destined to go to rehab together
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
