Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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