Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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