Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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