I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
