Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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