i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
my poor anus
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
