happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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