Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
