sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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