I am midnight drunk by noon
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
