one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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