9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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