I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
zippers are such a cool invention
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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