That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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