You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
