Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
