I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
