Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
